I genuinely feel like no matter what I do, psychopaths can always pretty much immediately defect me as the perfect victim.
I think it’s partly because I’m ugly, partly because I’m sensitive, and they can just tell I’m a weak person.
It’s making my life a living hell, no matter how hard I try I just can’t blend it, I can’t force myself to act a certain way, it’s exhausting to me
Help…
Give a couple examples of what you’re taking about
One trick that helped me is that psychopaths tend to frame things in an either or, where the either is, you do what they want you to do, and the or is, you are a horrible person.
When you find that yourself in that situation, always pick the horrible person option.
What they think of you doesn’t fucking matter.
Once they realize that they can’t manipulate you, they’ll get bored and move on.
I don’t think this is what a psychopath does.
It is manipulative behaviour tho
I can’t help with the psychopaths, but I know one thing that will help with your self-confidence, and your own perception of being “weak”: start going to a martial arts class. Any one, really, but it’ll do wonders for your self-confidence, you’ll interact with new people, probably make some friends. The self defense is almost secondary; fitness and training is the Big benefit. Boxing and wrestling count; it doesn’t have to be karate, MMA, king fu, or whatever. Just something with a structured class, forms you can practice at home, and convenient for you. Obviously if you have an interest in a particular art, that’s a big bonus.
Some people only understand consequences. You can avoid them but if forced to interact, it’s good that it is understood that messing with you might come with a cost. There are subtle and socially acceptable ways to convey this message.
Like what? This is something it would be good to know.
It’s all very context dependant… You need to evaluate in what aspects you have leverage or may be a threat with the specific person and suggest you may cause damage in that regard. You can do this by mentioning other situations with other people or anecdotes or whatever. For example, if you’re able to cause reputational damage to someone, you may mention about having a downfall with someone and hinting on how it was bad for them.
I’ll provode a concrete example from my life in my reply to the other person who asked in a min.
This is very nuanced and context specific. It should be done carefully, as all things should when dealing with psychos.
Out of interest, can you give some examples that have worked for you?
Of course!
I used to work in financial report automation and was recommended to some rich dude. I tend to choose my clients carefullly so we talked and he seemed like a nice guy. Talked about his charity organization a lot. I took him as a client.
The project was a nightmare. No one in his team was willing to be specific about any critical details and he didn’t really know what he wanted so he kept changing specifications.It also quickly became evident He was doing shady shit with his numbers. I was screwed, though, because had no other jobs and and was about 100 hours of unpaid work in at that point. I figured i’d deliver and then just never talk to the guy again. There was lots of progress at that point too, but he missed the first agreed payment. Then he missed it again. Then the time for the second payment came and he hadn’t paid the first yet.
I asked his team and payments were always “coming next week”. Eventually one of his team members felt bad for me and confessed that they had received instructions directly from him to say this but not pay me.
I realized he was going to stiff me. I asked for a meeting to review progress with him. We met up, he asked me how i was doing. With a smile and never being threatening or rude I told him i was having some tax trouble due to an accounting error. I then said “but thank god my sister works in the (local version of the) IRS/tax service so she helps me with my questions”. This is true btw.
He raised an eyebrow and asked me a bunch of stuff regarding my sisters position and how the organization worked. I didn’t really reply to his questions. Instead, i said “well i gueas the most important thing is that there are 3 ways to get an audit: random selection, inconsistency in ingormation by reporting agents such as banks and real estate registries or…” and then I paused for a split second and said “anonymous tips.” And then I kept talking about my fictional “accounting error” and acted like nothing happened. The information regarding how to get audits is all true here btw.
This was a threat. And not an empty one, mind you. His charity organization was a tax evasión maneuver, and not a neatly tied one. I could cause a lot of damage to him.
The meeting went on talking about work alone.
People like him understand these subtelties. I asked him about payment at the end of the meeting and he apologized and told me i’d get paid this very week. I got paid the next day.
I could have gone to authorities anyway, but people like him can be extremely dangerous if you do them harm. He had the resourcea and connections to make me miserable if he chose to. With this it was understood, by both of us, “don’t fuck with me and i won’t fuck with you” Threats are better for everyone when dealing with these types imo.
Note that this situation was nuanced, and what i did was use the leverage i had on something I knew he cared about in a way that he would understand but never dorectly threatening him.
I did this in front of his team. While everyone understood what had happened, i have all the plausible deniability in the world and it was subtle enough for him to not feel hummiliated.
Sun tu says something like “provide your enemy with a golden bridge to retreat through”. He also said “the supreme art of war is to defeat your opponent without ever fighting”. I feel like i only truly learnt the meaning of those words after this situation.
Sorry for the shit spelling. Am on my phone.
Hope it helps.
I wish I could remember where I read it, but I do remember reading either an article or paper that laid out that when people are victimized, other abusers tend to be able to spot that somehow. Something about body language and it’s all subconscious.
I don’t have the answer here except to just build a shell and be a dick for a while, but I do want to say I am genuinely sorry you have to deal with that. Always being the victim or always putting on a mask is fucking exhausting and soul draining.
Prolly mostly body language and/or pheromones. Both massive channels of communication that everyone understands on some level but not so many think about consciously.
Also, it seems to me that traumatized people are more likely to belong to certain scenes than non traumatized folk. People pick up on that, even if they don’t realize they do.
We’re now interacting online, for example, in the fediverse. I’d be willing to bet we’re all more likely to have suffered social trauma than the general population is. I know I have.
I recommend reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It’s available for free at archive.org. It describes how predators work and how regular people can stay safe from them.
100% agree with this. Our gut instinct is trying to tell us things and we often ignore it. I ALWAYS trust mine.
Try building and keeping boundries. You should also prioritise yourself and your well being. I’ve honestly been targetted by them and they tried ruining my life (doxing, calling my employer, etc).
if someone is abusing you or not respecting your boundries, block that person and cut them out of your life. It will be hard but worth it in the long run.
try not to mix friend groups. This will make it harder for the person to manipulate you through mutuals.
i’ve noticed that there’s a lot more of these kinds of people online. I think you’d find it safer to interact with people in person if possible.
I hope this helps.
I really feel for you mate. Vulnerable people get targeted constantly and it’s horrible… they can get in a cycle of never being able to not be vulnerable because they never get a chance to fully recover. The funny thing is that vulnerable people see people’s true self around them.
The main thing is working on self esteem, having good boundaries comes when people have the self esteem to do them. Have you worked on the causes of your self esteem issues? Counselling can really help
Idk. Like, interpersonal psychopaths don’t scare me as much cause I can always just ghost them for the most part.
My issue is with workplace ones (cause it’s hard to find a good job) and also with the ones in my apartment complex. There’s no effing way it can be dealt with I’m just screwed.
Workplace ones are awful, there’s loads of research showing bullies often go into management. Best way I’ve found to manage it is not to tell anyone I work with anything about me so they have nothing to use against me.
Have you got much support in your life? If you’re missing a dad’s support you can find it at !dadforaminute@lemmy.world it’s great and supportive dad posters.
I tried that but they always find a way to turn everyone against me. They hate my guts
I hear you. Counselling can really help, it helps you take control of your own life and reduce the amount of problems you have.
I know my weakness is my emotional depth. I keep protections in place mentally with a zero tolerance policy of trust. Like if my boss or coworker cheats on their partner, I know I will never trust that person or their character/ethics. The concept is one of the few that I retain from my religious past: “faithful in little; faithful in much.” Any person that shrugs off little lies or dishonesty is revealing their true ethics or lack there of. I do not try to hide who I am or lie about anything intentionally. Therein lies my lack of depth. I am unaware of how people filter and mask who they are in intentional ways, so anyone that shows harmful potential is someone I avoid and never trust more than is convenient or that I am forced.
