You know, the guy who’s been having that same angry conversation about the same fucking thing he’s been obsessed with for the last 5 years and demands that you take his view while going on long monologues and then immediately interrupting anyone who tries to get a word in edgewise? And then goes into a weeks-long suicidal despair if you try to leave the conversation? Any way to deal with that?
I’ve been working inpatient psychiatry for almost a decade now and here’s how we talk people out of delusions…
…you don’t. Confronting the delusion directly helps their brain practice protecting the false belief system and strengthens the neural links / pathways. It’s like the ruts made by a wagon wheel, the more the wagon travels the path the deeper they get. You can try and haul the wagon up out of the ruts onto a different part of the road using brute strength but 10 seconds later it’s gonna fall back in and you’ll exhaust yourself trying to wear a new track so close to the old one. You’re much better served just sending the wagon somewhere else entirely and waiting for the ruts to erode on their own (this metaphor also maps well to addictive / difficult to discontinue behaviors; it’s often easier to disengage from the entire constellation of behaviors and stimuli around the habit, including things like people and places, than it is to just stop the habit itself).
So if you really do love this person and want to bring them out of it, do your best to send the wagon somewhere else. Just glaze over for a second while they rant, then change the subject and engage fully with something reality based you can create a connection with. Try to connect over knitting or gardening or woodworking or music or old movies or sports or whatever other hobby or social activity / discussion you can use to connect with them over that’s reality based.
That’s how COVID sucked them into all this. It broke up the knitting groups and gardening clubs and cooking classes and all anybody had left to socialize with was Facebook conspiracies. If we want out, we need to focus on rebuilding those communities.
I managed to get out of a Christian cult and I just wanna say that the wagon metaphor is painfully accurate.
I broke contact with my family over twenty years ago. I learned that blood doesn’t make family, good relationships do.
You know that quote “Blood is thicker than water”?
The entire quote is “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”.
We found our family, and that bond is as strong as any blood.
I just wish I had gotten away and found them sooner.
Over 20 years ago I cut that sort of shit out of my life . I stopped wasting my holiday’s on my worthless idiotic shit family.
Cut that shit out of your life.
why do you want those people in your life even if they are relatives?
If they can’t take a “sorry uncle Bob, but I disagree with everything you think of X. Why don’t we just avoid this and enjoy dinner”, then they are too emotionally immature/toxic to have in your life
Provide no opinions. Pretend like you know nothing about politics. Ask questions. They will argue themselves into a corner, get embarrassed, and then stop talking about it. It requires little effort from you, and they do all the work.
If you engage even one out of ten times, you’re reinforcing it. You can redirect the conversation. Talk to another person, change the subject, completely disengage with them on that specific topic.
You can set expectations privately going in. Set the boundaries. Reiterate them gently but firmly in a general manner. Polite and businesslike when the forbidden topic comes up, cheerful and interested when any other topic comes up. Again, never directly engaging with the forbidden topic.
All this assumes you still want to get along with this person.
I am thankful I do not have such relative.
And if I did, to the discard bin.
Don’t invite them? If you know what’s going to happen, and you don’t like it, avoid it.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=to5qRLRSS7g
Maybe search for ways to converse in healthier ways with people with BPD?
What happens if you actually leave the conversation?
Hair that covers ears and an earbud
Just turn on FOX News for him. He’ll zone out on it as usual and leave everyone else alone.
Develop an extreme interest in whatever sport is playing and say you have to watch it intently. Alternatively get a friend to ring with afake emergency
There’s a lot to be said for watching sports. Before covid I never watched a baseball game all the way through. Now I’m into it. It’s a fun thing to talk about and enjoy socializing around. I’ve watched all kinds of sports from different countries, all around the clock, with people I’d never interact with otherwise. It really brings people together in a community.
You could try bring an overactive listener. Ask a lot of questions “What does that mean?” “Can you give examples?” if you time them right, it’ll completely mess up his for when he’s monologuing.
Or, at the very least, you can have fun trying to see who can ask the stupidest question about Uncle Dave’s obsession.
Or, make it all about you, but only with that person.
“When that happened to ME…”
“That reminds me of the time <totally unrelated thing in your life>….”
“I have a friend who’s an expert in that and HE said….”
[edit] actually, what I do with those people is ask probing questions, things they couldn’t possibly know the answer to. As a last resort, I insert something that I know someone else in the group is interested in, and invite them into the conversation, exiting at the same time or shortly after.
Also, holding a plate or glass and then realizing you have to go refill it and making yourself scarce works.
Even more fun… Ask random unrelated questions until they break…
What was the horsepower of a 1971 horsepower?
Where did the phrase “curiosity killed the cat” come from?
What is the square root of 144?
How many moons does the earth have? (this is fun because it’s anywhere from 0 to 1 to 2 to many depending on the definition of moon of which there is no formal definition)
Bonus tip: works in haunted houses too. A zombie jumps out “I’m going to eat your brains!” just respond with a unrelated question “what is your favorite TV show?” it shifts their thoughts so much most of actors in a haunted house will break character.
Answer to all of those questions: 12.
Guys I’m 43 and my generation is already turning the “fuck this shit” dial a bit. If you guys are younger than 35 please PLEASE turn it all the way up!
Your abusive uncle, your homophobic aunt, you shithead brother and your permissive parents FUCK THEM.If you have to “deal with it” to spend time with people you love they don’t love you back.
edit: just want to add if someone needs to hear: They are not your universe. Being alone can be freeing and rebuilding your life can be easier than you think
